DEAR BABY: May 2013

ONE MONTH!

I'm a little late on posting for Dodgers one month mark. Our little guy is 6 weeks now and growing like a weed! We got so incredibly lucky with not only such a handsome boy but he is perfect! This boy does not cry...he gets a little mad when he's naked but besides that he doesn't make a peep!

Dodger spent 8 days in the NICU(they told us 3-5 weeks so we were thrilled with only 8 days!) He was sent home still on oxygen which was very intimidating and scary. knowing that with every beep of the machine it means your baby isn't breathing right can be very nerve racking. Throughout our stay in the hospital it seemed easy to stay strong through our whole situation and think positive. Our first night home it all really hit me. My baby was hooked up to machines and my husband couldn't walk. Matthew has always been my rock, just seeing him so vulnerable and hurt tore me to pieces. Not only did I have a husband injured and having a long road ahead of him to recovery, my son was also so fragile and small. I was completely scared that I would do something wrong or wouldn't know how to take care of him at home. It was so comforting in the hospital to have nurses there and I wish I could have brought a nurse home with me! The first night was rough, it was all I could do not to cry. I was not successful. Thankfully it got a lot easier after the first night home. It was still a struggle having Dodger on oxygen for two weeks but we made it through and are so strong as a family because of all these trials we've been faced with. I'm so incredibly thankful for my boys and how strong they have been. Its amazing to watch Matthew, he has been in so much pain and I know how hard it is for him not to be able to walk and do the things he wants to do, but he's never complained and continues to act like he isn't injured. He brings in groceries even though he's on crutches, he hops on stools (even though I beg him not to) to change batteries in our smoke detectors, and he tries to do as much as he possibly can. He doesn't give up and pushes himself which makes me admire him so much. Its nice having such a strong husband because he doesn't give me any room to be weak. He definitely has it worse than I do so I don't dare complain ever haha He truly makes me a better person and Im so thankful for that.

Dodger is the sweetest boy. I'm not sure what it's like to have a "normal" baby but I think its definitely not normal to be as good as he is! He never cries and smiles all the time. He sleeps pretty much all day and when he's awake he just stares at us with his little looks. I absolutely die over how much I love his big lips! He does the cutest things with his mouth that I cant help but be obsessed. He is still so little and fits perfectly in his newborn clothes...sometimes I can even still fit him in preemie pants! He burps like his dad, which is a lot. I love how Dodge is a mini clone of Matthew. I desperately wanted to have a son that was exactly like Matt and I lucked out! My boys are pretty dang handsome.

We've nicknamed our little guy "Buddy" "little buddy" "mister" and "stinker"

My favorite time with him is his morning feedings...I bring him in to our bed and we get to snuggle for a little while. We both sleep so good next to each other that it's incredibly tempting to just let him sleep with us always, but I resist the temptation.

He's now projectile pooped on both Matt and I, which we find hilarious!

He hates having lotion put on him...just like his old man

Pictures!

Aunt Shanell came to visit!

Matthew still caries groceries in...he's a doll!

The many stretches of Dodge

First mini day road trip to Salt Lake

His newborn photo shoot!

Those lips!

"Mom please no photos!"

Cousin Kenna absolutely loves Dodger

Dodger and Cuda love to cuddle

All the cousins are so in love with him. Brody even tries to give Dodger his binkie and bottle when he starts to fuss. Its so adorable!

Wow. Where do I begin to tell this incredible story? I still can't believe it happened.

I was approaching 34 weeks pregnant. Huge like a hippo and incredibly uncomfortable. For about a week I had been breaking out in hives ALL over my body due to the fact I was having an allergic reaction to my pregnancy. You read that right...I was allergic to my son! Something called PUPPP. Who knew this was even possible? I was not surprised that this would of course happen to me, I'm convinced my body hates me.

Matthew had gone to Vegas that day and had just gotten back into town that night and we decided to go out to dinner and feed my big belly. After stuffing our faces at good old Olive Garden we got in the car and headed home. Most of the time Matt drives when we are together, but that night I got in the drivers seat of my car. Driving home we talked about how I was absolutely determined that Dodger would arrive early and not go 40 weeks. I was hoping at least...because the only way my hives would go away was to give birth. So needless to say, I was incredibly excited to have Dodger pop on out. :) Matthew on the other hand thought I was going to go over 40 weeks. So as we joked around in the car about our little Dodger we came to a stop at a light less than 2 miles away from our house. I was waiting to turn left as the arrow blinked yellow...it then changed to a yellow light. The highway was pretty empty as I waited for a car to turn and then I pressed slightly on the gas to make the turn. I heard Matthew yell and saw him out of the corner of my eye lean toward me. BAM. A car had sped up to make the light and ended up running the red light going about 60 mph. He hit us on the front passenger side. As we both became slowly conscious all we could do was moan in pain. At first I didn't think the accident was going to be that bad. I thought we would walk away from it. I then realized my door was open and people were trying to talk to me. Matthew and I looked at each other, he grabbed my hand and I believe I made some sort of joke that we both laughed at (for some reason I'm that type of person who makes jokes in serious situations...I'm an odd one) . Then the pain and reality of the situation really hit us.

I heard "Where are you hurt?" and turned to see a firefight at my side. His words made me think. "Where am I hurt?" I wasn't sure at first. I hadn't really thought about it. All I knew was that I was in incredible pain. Then it hit me hard....my baby.

My stomach was on fire and there was blood everywhere. My baby that had just minutes before been kicking me and squirming inside me now made no movements. Fear crushed me instantly. Men started to get me out of the car and tell Matthew they were going to get me to the hospital and they were going to try and get him out soon. His door was crushed in and wouldn't open. All we could say to one another was that we loved each other and then before I knew it I was strapped on a board and in an ambulance. I tried with everything I had to listen to every word so I knew what was wrong and if my Dodger was OK I was loosing consciousness, opening my eyes was so hard but I was determined to stay awake. We were at the hospital soon enough and they were performing an ultra sound on my growing belly. "There's no heartbeat." These words were being repeated by the many people standing around me. I thought to myself "these people don't know how to do an ultrasound obviously because I knew my little guy was in there." So I lifted my arm and pointed to the bottom of my belly where I knew my little boy was. I told everyone he was right there and that is where they could find his tiny heartbeat.(yes, I thought I knew more than doctors and nurses about ultrasounds. It makes me laugh now when I think back about it!) I felt excruciating pain as they pressed down on my belly trying to find our baby. It then became clear that he had no heartbeat. I began to sob, and all of a sudden a nurses head was next to mine telling me they had found his heartbeat. (later I found out that this was a lie and the nurses and doctors believed my son to be dead. Thank goodness they lied to me because I probably would have lost it.) I looked at all the faces around me and felt completely alone. To my relief I heard the voice of my Doctor. He came beside me and leaned down. He grabbed my hand tight and I was overcome with relief that I had someone who I trusted by my side. I proceeded to point to my belly and tell my doctor where I knew my little boy was. He assured me everything would be OK Then he returned to the other doctors to discuss what should be done. I heard them arguing on whether or not I should first get a scan to see if I was OK or to have an emergency C section. One of the nurses interrupted them and told my doctor he need to get my baby out. Dr Rogers agreed and off I went. I laid there naked, shaking, scarred for my baby and alone.

I woke up empty. I was being pushed down a hall and felt as if my stomach had been lit on fire. I begged for the pain to go away. The nurses around me told me that they weren't able to give me an epidural or any pain medication before surgery so I would have to wait for morphine to kick in. I was put in a room and the first faces I saw were my sister in laws, sister and brother in law (I know, its a bit confusing). Jessica and Coby let me know that Dodger was on his way to a different hospital and Matthew was in surgery. It was so comforting to have family there with me. I can't thank Jessica and Coby enough. I later found out that my placenta had abrupted and was pumping blood out of Dodger and not pumping it back in. He was suffocating inside me and was born dead. My doctor told me he was white, limp and they immediately started trying to revive him. It was a miracle that we had a specialist for babies there to revive him and that they got him out when they did. He was born a beautiful 6 lbs 19.3 inches at exactly 12:00 am on March 24 2013.

It wasn't until late afternoon I got the OK to leave the ICU and to finally be transported to the hospital where my little guy was. My sister Shanell and my twin sister were by my side as they strapped me to a gurney and the two men that were suppose to take me straight to the other hospital were kind enough to wheel me up to see my Matthew first. Just seeing him was such a relief and also incredibly scary. It still didn't feel real that my baby was born and that we were all so beat up. Matthew's leg had been crushed from his knee down. His knee cap was broken, his tibia bone split in half down his leg, and his foot (which had previously been hanging off with his bone sticking out through his ankle...ewww!) had a compound fracture. We got incredibly lucky that his surgeon was the best around and did an amazing job. We had a few minutes to see each other, Matthew showed me a picture that a nurse had taken with his phone. The picture showed how as they were transporting Dodger out of the hospital they passed Matthew in the hall as he was headed into surgery. Matt was able to touch Dodger's little hand before they took him away. I tear up every time I look at that picture.

We were lucky enough to all be together about a day after the accident and we lived in the "baby" hospital for a little over a week together. Dodger stayed in the NICU for 8 days. He was expected to be in the hospital for 3-5 weeks but he progressed so amazingly and surprised everyone! He dropped down to 4 lbs 11 ounces in the hospital and now he is up to 7 lbs 1 ounce at 6 weeks old. We brought him home on oxygen so it was a little stressful the first couple weeks at home but now he is doing great and we all get to just spend a lot of time together...and I mean a LOT. Matthew is not able to walk and wont be back to work for a couple months so our little family is able to have such great family time right now! I wish we never had to go back to school or work and just hangout, but soon enough life will speed up and even our little guy wont be so little anymore :(

I'm so incredibly blessed to have two extraordinary men in my life. I truly got so lucky to have a best friend and husband like Matthew and to have such an amazing son. The way we were forced to bring Dodger into this world was definitely not the way we imagined but it has turned out to be such a blessing. Everything that has happened to us only has made us a stronger family. Thank you to everyone that has supported and loved us though this situation. We have such amazing family and friends! It means so much to us to have the support we have had!

Wont be driving this car again :(